the great pumpkin strikes again

alter ego (noun) : what you dress up as on Halloween
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Happy Halloween!

what have you done with your hair?

passive aggressive (adjective) : a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation
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Passive aggressive behavior has always been a bit difficult for me to recognize. (Much like my ability to pronounce the word, "narcissist" - for years I called the flowers, 'Paperwhites' because I couldn't say the word correctly). Neither is a coincidence, believe me.

Sure, the definition might sound simple - a non-active form of anger such as pouting, passive obstructionism, chronic lateness, asking things like, "You're not going out like that, are you?", sulking, stubbornness, and intentional procrastination when these behaviors are motivated by the intent of irritating or getting back at another person - but there are sooooo many ways to indirectly express anger, and passive aggressive people are very, very good at this behavior.

The key now for me is to recognize when I'm triggered to feel aggressive or angry, and then examine what triggered me, whether it was someone's behavior, and what about that behavior did the trick.

Not easily done when you're angry, but practice makes perfect, right?

laughter [oddly] revisited

laughter (noun) : the experience or manifestation of mirth, amusement, scorn, or joy
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In doing a bit of follow-up research on laughter therapy, I discovered that a couple of years ago, a group of health professionals at the Edinburgh Centre of Health and Wellbeing "prescribed" comedy DVDs to patients with depression. The health workers even put on a stand-up comedy show in the Edinburgh Queens Hall which was filmed and the film later handed out to GP surgeries across the country.

The aim was to give people with depression an alternative to antidepressants.

http://www.scotsman.com/news/health_staff_prescribe_comedy_for_patients_with_depression_1_1222777

Funny thing (pun intended) - there is no follow up research reported on how this all worked out for the Centre's patients.

downward spiral revisited

debilitating depression (noun) : a mood disorder characterized by one's feelings of sadness, unhappiness and misery that interfere with one's ability to engage in normal daily activities
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Just in case anyone's forgotten about this dark cloud that lurks out there for so many! Go cheer someone up today!

disregard for boundaries

boundary (noun) : the line separating you from me
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In exploring the concept of setting boundaries for myself and of the disregard for boundaries, I realized that instead of looking at other people's actions around the disregard for boundaries, I'd be better off investigating my own.

Most definitions of this concept will describe when boundaries are crossed and will give advice on 'setting boundaries' so that other people don't cross them. But I think the real issue is setting your boundaries and then making sure that YOU don't cross them. Maybe I'm just a slow learner.

Take for example when you feel taken advantage of or taken for granted or resentful when you've been generous and another person hasn't reciprocated (or even been appreciative). Damn that person, right? Wrong! This isn't a sign that that person has disregarded your boundaries - it's a sign you've disregarded your own by going overboard in doing things for someone else.

Sometimes this happens with people at work and sometimes with people you love. Loads of good intentions: the job needs to get done, the person needs help, it's easier to do it yourself, you want to satisfy a loved one's needs. Also a few not so good intentions: you are the only one who can do it correctly, you want to maintain control over the work or the person, you don't want to feel guilty or hurtful to a loved one.

So rather than blame those other people or feel sorry for yourself because 'the investment didn't pay off', it's time to recognize when you are crossing those lines you set and step back and think of what you're doing and why you're doing it before doing something that might be considered 'overboard'.

Wish me luck!

brains vs. beauty

insight (noun) : in psychiatry, one's awareness and understanding of the origins and meaning of one's attitudes, feelings, and behavior, and of one's disturbing symptoms
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An old friend once asked me if I could choose either to be a genius but very physically ugly (hideous even), or dumb-as-a-doornail but very physically beautiful, which would I choose? (You have to ignore all the politically correct talk around "what is beautiful" and go with the looks on the front covers of magazines on this one.)

Easy answer, right? Beautiful but incredibly stupid. Why? I'd be so stupid that I wouldn't know how dumb I was (and wouldn't care), and I'd be so beautiful that everything would be taken care of for me. Beauty beats brains in this world. (Especially for a woman, but that's another blog post).

And what makes it worse for the geniuses is that they know this to be true. They understand that they are brilliant and that it doesn't matter, because the beautiful stupid people will make just as much money doing much less work (if they have to work at all). The beautiful and stupid people are blissful in their ignorance and live longer, happier lives. The super smart and ugly people are tormented in their knowledge and die young, often at their own hands.

Meaning that sometimes, insight isn't much fun.

let's get naked

online (adj) : controlled by or connected to another computer or to a network; (adv) : while so connected or under computer control
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Despite the apparent connection to the computer and not an individual, online therapy has become more mainstream.
(See http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/therapists-are-seeing-patients-online.html?_r=1&nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha26)

So how does a therapist distinguish him or herself from others online? Sarah White does so by getting naked. She strips during the online session until she is nude, claiming that it helps to free inhibitions, especially sexual inhibitions.

Without debating this 24-year old's theory around stripping off her clothes so that her (predominantly middle aged male clients) 'strip down' to deeper emotions, one can only wonder whether she would have any business if she wasn't a hot young babe. I mean, do you think that world renowned sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer doing naked therapy elicits the same interest?

i gotta be me

self-esteem (noun) : one's overall evaluation or appraisal of one's own worth; it encompasses beliefs ("I am an expert at this job", "I am worthy of a raise") and emotions (triumph, pride)
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All well and good until that nasty talent assessment at work, eh? Where one is left believing, "I suck at this job", "I don't deserve a paycheck never mind a raise" and feelings of despair and shame.

That's why it's always good to get one's resume updated before the talent assessment!

And it's also good to remember that with all the myriad of talent assessments out there (from Gallup to Myers-Brigg to 9-Box), in the end it's always going to be about relationships that matter! Good enough reason to stay with that therapist, eh?

9.11 tribute to my friends and family

post-traumatic stress disorder (noun) : a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma
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So many writers have tried to put context around the September 11th of ten years ago, especially those based in NYC. Each piece recalls a different experience that somehow also feels similar – a sense of the world changing, a lack of words to express the grief and horror, a deep mourning for the loss of lives and of innocence and of the ordinary. Each piece brings back the emotions of that morning and of the days and weeks and months that followed, especially for those in the city, and most especially for those who lived and worked downtown.

I was fortunate (my brother still comments on how I seem to “dodge bullets”): a business trip placed me in Santa Fe, New Mexico that morning and not at my office across the street from the north tower. A colleague who was with me interrupted my morning yoga practice to tell me that a plane had hit one of the towers next to our building. She told me to turn on the television in my hotel room.

Like so many others, I watched the events unfold from very far away. I watched people (whom I likely passed on the WTC plaza every day) jump out of the flames and fall to their deaths. I watched the second plane hit the south tower and explode. I watched, while my friends and co-workers were running out of our building and running away from the destruction. I was still watching when each of the towers collapsed.

Even now I can’t describe how I felt, sitting in a peaceful hotel room in the desert on a beautiful day, just watching. I seemed not to be myself somehow – not in my body, not living this life. I believe that I tried to telephone family and friends and colleagues, many of whom I couldn’t reach, and many who told me later that they thought I’d been killed.

The days that followed blur together in a congealed memory of a cross-country drive with a friend who was stranded in Albuquerque. I remember that we met other groups of stranded travelers in rental cars at petrol stations. I remember we commented on seeing no planes overhead. At one of our rare stops for food, we watched the news and saw that my office building had been damaged and was at risk of collapsing. One newscaster commented on all the women’s dress shoes abandoned in the debris, and I thought of my own pairs of dress shoes in my office that might be joining them.

I remember dropping the car off somewhere in New Jersey but I don’t recall how we got into the city. I remember the bad smell of my neighborhood, the dust that covered everything and clouded the air, the hundreds of flyers of missing people posted on every corner, the memorial that sprung up in the park across from my local FDNY firehouse for the dozen or so men from the unit who had died performing their jobs that morning. I remember bringing the survivors from that unit a few six packs of beer (a tradition that I continued for years until they asked me to stop because they couldn’t accept it). I remember joining the crowds along the desolate West Side Highway to cheer the volunteers going to and from the WTC site as they passed. I remember commenting to my brother that we needed dust masks as we walked to the site to see it for ourselves. I remember that I didn’t return to that site until my office building re-opened ten months later, when it looked like just another NYC construction site.

I don’t remember talking about any of this with my therapist, nor ever thanking my friends across the world who left so many messages for me that it took several days to respond (there being no FB or Twitter at the time).

Ten years later, I live further downtown, even closer to the WTC site. I walk by it daily: I’ve watched the clean up, the opening of WTC#7, all the stages of the rebuilding of WTC#1 and #4, and the construction of the memorial park. Every day I maneuver around gawking tourists crowding the sidewalks to take photos. Lately I have stopped cursing them and simply make my way to the job. Each year since 2001, my September 11th edition of The New Yorker goes “missing” in the post. This year is the first year that I didn’t curse the USPS for absconding with it. Like the tourists, perhaps they just need to feel some connection to what happened.

I’ll be out of town again this September 11th. Many of my friends who used to live in New York have moved away, and I don’t see them very much. I am rarely in touch with the colleague who was with me in Santa Fe, and I don’t often see the friend who made the mad dash back home with me across the US in the rental car. But even though I don’t have much contact with them and other friends from that time, I am thinking of them all as I recall the only feeling that I remember from that time – love.

they're baaaack

September (noun) : the month in the northern hemisphere when all the analysts who were on holiday during the month of August, return en masse to their analysands (who have now added 'separation anxiety' to their list of ailments)
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We in the Northern hemisphere know that our summer holidays are over when the last long weekend holiday (Labor Day) arrives in early September and the therapists return. The release of Cronenberg's new movie, "A Dangerous Method" about Freud and Jung in the early 1900s coincides with this return.

(And maybe the new FoxTV show, "I Hate My Teenage Daughter" set to begin just before the holiday season also is no coincidence - the number of therapy sessions increase over the holidays largely in part due to family stress.)

Some non-therapeutic factoids about September from Wikipedia (for what it's worth) -
(1) the beginning of the meteorological autumn is 1 September in the northern hemisphere and the beginning of spring in the Southern hemisphere;
(2) in Latin, septem means "seven" and septimus means "seventh" and September was the seventh month of the Roman calendar until 153 BC;
(3) September begins on the same day of the week as December every year, because there are 91 days separating September and December, which is a multiple of seven (the number of days in the week); and,
(4) no other month ends on the same day of the week as September in any year.

summertime blues

august (noun) : the typical time for one's well-deserved annual holiday away from one's therapist; see also "What About Bob?"
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Otherwise known as my current excuse for not posting this month!

cheers redux

intervention (noun) : an influencing force or act that occurs in order to modify a given state of affairs, such as a punch in the mouth of a person saying something you dislike [NOTE that this is not recommended in light of current laws against battery and the moral implications of what such an act says about you]
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To better explain a post from last week around going out and buying a drink for the alcoholic who will not get help for his/her problem, I wanted to delve into a process that usually precedes that purchase - the intervention.

Strictly speaking, an intervention can be any outside process that has the effect of modifying an individual's behavior, awareness or emotional state. There are less violent ways of creating an intervention than the aforementioned punch-in-the-mouth: you can walk away from the person speaking (or someone else can walk you away); you can take ten deep breaths (or someone can tell you to take ten deep breaths); you can talk with a therapist; you can apply the Dr Steve 'laugh it off' approach. Whatever works for you.

Sometimes a formal process of an intervention is used to break through denial on the part of a person with a serious disorder (usually drug or alcohol addiction). This represents a carefully orchestrated confrontation in which friends, family members and employers confront the person with his/her addiction and its negative impacts and consequences. The goal is to get the person to acknowledge that he/she has a problem and agree to treatment.

Alas, this goal is not often realized. Denial represents such a strong unconscious emotion and is such an effective defense mechanism that all attempts at intervention never really cause that person to acknowledge his/her problem. Worse, an intervention may result in the person acknowledging the problem but refusing the cure with more denial.

Rather than beat yourself up over the failure of this process, understanding more about denial and defense mechanisms may just help you accept the person and his/her problem.

So go buy that person a drink and be done with it.

please don't let me be misunderstood

misunderstanding [as therapy] (verb) : proof that anything can be used in psychoanalysis (for example, "marshmallows as therapy" and "kleptomania as therapy")
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The concept is funnier than anything I could say.

http://www.springerlink.com/content/m327m0t47261g273/

Farewell Harry Potter

projection (noun) : a psychological defense mechanism where one subconsciously denies one's own unacceptable thoughts, desires, feelings or motivations, and instead ascribes them to other people
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Another theory developed by Sigmund Freud and it goes something like this: Suppose you don't like someone but (for whatever reason) you've repressed this or are in denial about this (meaning that your unconscious mind doesn't allow you to feel this dislike). Instead of admitting dislike, you project your dislike to the other person and end up with the feeling that the person doesn't like you.

Mumbo jumbo, right? I mean, who can't simply say "I don't like that person"? Some of us say it all the time. (Perhaps I'm speaking for myself here.)

I've discovered that, unfortunately, when the unconscious gets involved, you really don't know what you're repressing or denying. If the feeling or desire is too unacceptable or shameful or dangerous or obscene, then it's easier to attribute it to another person and save yourself the horror of finding out that you actually have that feeling or desire. The solution I've found is to at least ask the question about whether any denial or projection is going on and be open to the idea that it may be. It may not be, but why not be sure.

And where is Harry Potter in all this? Is the bluestraveler simply riding the wave of JK Rowling's success? (Would that I could, readers, would that I could.)

I believe that the fifth book (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) clearly shows Harry Potter's projection of feelings and desires that he doesn't want to have onto his friends, feelings that he's ashamed of having. JK Rowling brilliantly allows Harry Potter to discover that he is having those feelings, not his friends. That awareness makes all the difference.

And by the end of the story, JK Rowling tells us that all of us have those feelings and desires - the key is only whether and how we act on them.

cheers

denial (verb) : the state of being oblivious to all the crap in one's life
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When considering the reasons to begin therapy, it's easy to believe that everyone should do it. Why should anyone live an unexamined life? Wouldn't everyone be better off knowing more about their feelings, why they have those feelings, who triggers certain feelings, etc.? Isn't it better than drinking or doing drugs or whatever in order to avoid those feelings?

Maybe.

But not everyone is that strong or able to handle all that talk therapy and the subsequent examination brings. So maybe for those folks in our lives, we should simply buy them a drink and accept them for who they are and who they're not.

if you can't lick 'em, join 'em (part 2)

joining technique (noun) : the idea that one "joins" the experience of another's misguided/misplaced emotions (ie, not an expression of their true feelings) rather than respond with a reaction to those misguided/misplaced emotions
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So what does the "joining" technique mean off the therapist's couch?

Apparently, in dealing with all those people who resist their true feelings (of shame, of inadequacy, of guilt, etc.) and instead express other feelings that are directed at you (at an unconscious attempt to make you feel ashamed, inadequate, guilty, etc.), the technique is supposed to help you deflect and NOT react to their misguided emotions. It's confusing, but if you think of your mother and the proverbial guilt trips she may provide for you, then the concept becomes clearer.

Say that your mother expresses her disappointment/frustration/anger (does it really matter?) with something you've done. Rather than say, "Get over yourself you narcissistic b*&%ch, this is about me not you" or "You're right, what was I thinking" (depending on how you currently handle her), you "join" her feelings (misguided as they may be) by simply saying, "I understand you would feel that way, and I'm sorry that happened for you." Supposedly the act of "joining" her misguided/misplaced feelings allows you not to take on the feelings that she creates by this misguidance (much in the way that the therapist does not take on the blame/guilt of the the patient).

Now I say "apparently" and "supposedly" because I actually haven't experienced this myself outside the therapist's office.

While I've moved away from self-loathing as the miserable daughter that my mother bore (and everything that feeling leads to, like bad relationships and depressions), I still react to the outrageous (misguided?) feelings that this woman expresses when we have those rarer and rarer conversations. Perhaps if I can get to a point where I don't react to her misguided/misplaced feelings and instead understand that the actual expression by the woman is one of her resistance to her own self-loathing, I may be able to have more than a quick conversation with her every few months. This idea of the "joining" technique might do the trick.

And if not, my technique of avoidance seems to be working fine for me!

if you can't lick 'em, join 'em (part 1)

joining technique (noun) : the idea that one "joins" the experience of another's misguided/misplaced emotions (ie, not an expression of their true feelings) rather than respond with a reaction to those misguided/misplaced emotions
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Apparently this technique of modern analysis (developed by Dr Hyman Spotnitz), assists the analyst in helping analysands previously thought to be beyond help. Meaning that the analyst agrees with the analysand when the individual expresses his/her feelings, even when the analysand actually is resisting his/her true feelings.

http://modernpsychoanalysis.blogspot.com/2008/06/clinical-techniques-4-joining.html

So when a female patient says she keeps falling for the unavailable guys and getting hurt and expresses a feeling of anger towards the guys (who don't necessarily say that they are unavailable), or even anger towards the therapist for not helping her choose better men, the therapist "joins" her feelings and agrees with her by saying things like, "I understand that you would feel that way, and I'm sorry that happened for you" instead of reacting defensively to the misguided feelings that the patient is having.

Because most likely deep down in some repressed place, the woman feels unworthy of a good guy. And there's no way that the therapist (or any friend for that matter) is going to get that woman to stop repressing simply by pointing it out or reacting to the misguided/misplace feelings that replace the repressed feeling.

Head spinning a bit? It gets worse in part 2.

Is June the new April?

June Gloom (noun) : a Southern California term for a weather pattern caused by the Catalina eddy that results in overcast skies with cool temperatures during the late spring and early summer in the mornings and afternoons; the reason that there are only 3 posts this month
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Just kidding folks!

With few exceptions, nothing but great things this month and THAT'S the reason for so few postings. Here's hoping that July and August (and we know what happens in August, don't we Bob?) are wonderful.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_About_Bob%3F

whiner vs wino - who's the better companion?

help-rejecting complainer (noun) : the frustrating individual in your life who constantly (and often needlessly) complains yet refuses to take steps to change
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A recent suggestion from a reader on this topic, and an acquaintance who seemed depressed but rejected all suggestions to get help or improve her life, prompted a little research on this type of personality. And of course, this is a "type" of personality.

After much research (and reading all the references to The Happiness Project in the blogosphere), the question comes down to whether a person is a true ‘help-rejecting complainer’ (HRC) or just someone who needed a little sympathy. The answer - it depends on the consistency of the behavior.

Those who side more with the HRCs maintain that not every complaint needs a solution offered; sometimes a person just wants someone to listen and perhaps offer a bit of sympathy. (So, they suggest, instead of saying, "maybe you should do this" say instead, “you sound really down/sad/frustrated/etc.; what are you going to do about it?”)

Most likely those folks are just whiners themselves. Because the true HRC will say that nothing will help and there’s nothing to be done about it. End Of Story.

And that’s when you agree with them and prove them right by no longer being available to listen. Unless you're a bartender and it's your job.

Joe Black's recent visits

death wish (noun) : in Freudian psychology, the desire for self-annihilation
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Two doctors' deaths are noted in the New York Times this weekend - Dr Death himself, Jack Kevorkian, who believed that people had the right to be helped to commit suicide if they were terminally ill, and Dr Leo Rangell, a noted Freudian psychoanalyst.

While neither really seemed to have a death wish per se (they died at age 83 and 97, repsectively), that seemed a more interesting opening than "obituary". Dr Rangell's obituary (which provides his and our friend Dr Freud's belief that talk therapy and not medication is the cure for most emotional issues) is worth the reprint here (from the New York Times):

'Dr. Leo Rangell, a leading psychoanalyst during the heyday of classical Freudian talk therapy in the 1960s and ’70s, and a relentless advocate for the slow approach to treating emotional distress even as antidepressants and managed care made short-term treatment the norm, died on May 28 in Los Angeles. He was 97.

His family said the cause was complications of a surgical procedure the day before at the U.C.L.A. Medical Center.
Dr. Rangell, a practicing psychoanalyst and emeritus clinical professor of psychiatry at the Los Angeles and San Francisco campuses of the University of California, remained active until the end of his life — teaching, writing for scholarly journals, seeing patients until a few days before he died and contributing articles about public affairs to The Huffington Post.

His stamina as a writer and teacher, and as a major player in the often contentious political world of the psychoanalytic profession, was legendary. He published 450 academic papers during his lifetime and nine books, the last at the age of 94. Dr. Rangell’s prominence in his field coincided with a sea change in American attitudes about psychological treatment during the late 1960s. The emerging availability of psychoactive prescription drugs, as well as competition from psychologists, social workers and even New Age practitioners, began to diminish the appeal of classic psychoanalytic treatment, with its arduous exploration of unconscious feelings in sessions two or three times a week that could span years.

In an interview with The New York Times in 1968, Dr. Rangell acknowledged the changes in the air but attributed them to a kind of cultural misunderstanding. In the can-do, post-World II American imagination, he said, psychoanalysis had become wrongly perceived as a cure-all. “The hopes of the general public exceeded all reasonable expectation,” he said. “There were hopes that a generation of children could be brought up free of problems, that psychoanalytic insight would rid the world of crime, divorce and learning problems. Now there’s a big letdown.”

Throughout the subsequent decades, as new forms of therapy continued to multiply — and managed care insurance limited mental health coverage for many people — Dr. Rangell remained an advocate for the fundamental insights laid down by Sigmund Freud at the beginning of the 20th century. “There are always fashions and fads and pendulum swings,” Dr. Rangell said, “but no explanatory system of human behavior has as yet supplanted the psychoanalytic one.”

Peter Loewenberg, a psychoanalyst and professor of the history of psychoanalysis at U.C.L.A., described Dr. Rangell as one of the profession’s “leading statesmen” and a voice for humanistic values in an age of quick-fix therapy. “Everyone today is led to believe that they will feel better if they take a pill, and that is sometimes true,” Dr. Loewenberg said. “What Leo Rangell promoted was the analytical tradition of understanding the self.”'

group

group therapy (noun) : the place where individuals sit at a table filled with food possessing only extra long utensils that prevent them from bringing food to their mouths and therefore they go hungry
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Ideally, these people eventually are supposed to learn to feed each other with those same utensils. You may have heard this story as the difference between heaven and hell - it's the same thing really.

Joining a group helps the therapist see how you actually interact with others (and not rely simply on what you tell him or her). More importantly, the group dynamic is supposed to present the individuals with a safe place to hear how you communicate or act and how you are perceived, in case you want to make some changes here. Nice theory but very difficult to do with a group of people who all have different issues that they are working through. One basic and recurring theme is the need to feel heard and understood.

In an episode of the US reality television show, Survivor, the host Jeff Probst actually showed how group therapy works best (and to his or his producer's credit, he even noted this). Take a look at tribal council on episode 10 - http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor/
and Jeff's input as to his role as therapist -
http://popwatch.ew.com/2011/04/21/jeff-probst-on-episode-10-of-survivor-redemption-island/

Until next time...

laughter = really the best medicine

laughter therapy (noun) : the use of humour to cope with trauma or major life stresses, e.g. 'If I don't laugh, I'll cry.'
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Not to discredit Dr Steve but Dr Madan Kataria believes that the simple act of laughing is enough to change your mood. See:

http://www.raffikatchadourian.com/guru.html

This basically means that no comics or jokes are needed - you just need to laugh and that will improve your mood and your life. Even a fake laugh will do it. Funny enough (and irony is a form of humour, folks, so feel free to chuckle or even giggle here), the theory has merit.

In "The Talking Cure", author Susan Vaughan believes that talk therapy works because the act of talking, especially talking about traumas, over and over, changes patterns in your brain. (That's why talk therapists always say to keep talking and keep telling those stories - the retelling allows you to fully have the feelings that you repressed or explained away.) Those changed brain patterns subsequently change the way you feel and react to the trauma in the future. And this means you get past the trauma and get better.

So Dr Kataria's theory that even forced laughter done regularly makes sense. Maybe all those folks doing Laughter Yoga and Laughter Therapy are onto something. Maybe one day, mental health insurance will cover the cost of cover and two drinks at a comedy club each week. (Now THAT'S funny since mental health insurance in the US rarely covers anything! But that's another post.)

So seriously now (there's irony again for anyone who missed it), whoopie cushion anyone?

funny bone therapy

therapeutic humor (noun) : any intervention that promotes health and wellness by stimulating a playful discovery, expression or appreciation of the absurdity or incongruity of life's situations
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At least according to the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor.

I'm sure that you, like me, are amazed that there is such an organization like the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor. Perhaps even some of you (like me) are wondering whether the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor is looking to hire comics to work some intervention therapy. I for one could use the extra money and am well qualified to "stimulate" the "absurdity or incongruity of life's situations."

However, I thought that my stimulation of the absurdity of life's situations made me more depressed and was not actually a therapeutic self intervention at all.

Silly me!

Dr Steve explains it all on his site - http://www.humormatters.com/definiti.htm

Whoopie cushion anyone?

trouble with men

man (noun) : an animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is, as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be; his chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species
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According to the NYTimes, men have certain issues with which only a male therapist can help. See

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/22/health/22therapists.html?_r=1&hp

And I thought men were supposed to be simple! Looks like unless more men get into the field of psychoanalysis, we are going to be stuck with a lot of unhealthy males ruling this planet. (Although looking at the current world situation, we've been stuck at this place for a while now...)

Too bad psychoanalysis represents thankless work that you can't ever get rich doing (since you can't duplicate yourself) - two qualities that don't attract a lot of men. This means that the situation won't change any time soon. Perhaps all the post-booming mothers raising boys will have done talk therapy to work out how to help them become well adjusted men who won't need therapy.

But it's more likely just more business for those few mail therapists who remain.

spring forward to passive agressive

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(If you don't understand this cartoon, ask me for the name of a good therapist.)

Special thanks to the New Yorker's cartoon bank - http://blog.cartoonbank.com/2011/04/24/cartoon-of-the-day-514/

happy mother's day

From the funny folks @ the NYState Lottery

be afraid, be very afraid

psychopath (noun) : one with an anti-social personality disorder that is manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse
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Here's a quick test for psychopathy! See if you, your partner, or your friends fit the bill!

For each of the 20 characteristics, give a score of 0 if it does not apply, 1 if it applies partially, and 2 if it is a perfect match.

1. Glib and Superficial Charm
The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. Grandiose Self-Worth
A grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
3. Need for Stimulation or Proneness to Boredom
An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4. Pathological Lying
Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. Cunning and Manipulativeness
The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.
6. Lack of Remorse or Guilt
A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
7. Shallow Affect
Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. Callousness and Lack of Empathy
A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. Parasitic Lifestyle
An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. Poor Behavioral Controls
Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior
A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. Early Behavior Problems
A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. Lack of Realistic, Long-Term Goals
An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. Impulsivity
The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. Irresponsibility
Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. Failure to Accept Responsibility for Own Actions
A failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. Juvenile Delinquency
Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
18. Revocation of Condition Release
A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
19. Criminal Versatility
A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
20. Many Short-Term Relationships
A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

0-5 = Whew!
5-20 = Get out or get help now!
20+ = If it's your score, run quickly to a psychiatrist; if it's someone you know, just run!

emotional detachment - part 2

emotional detachment (noun) : the very positive mental attitude of politely saying "fuck you" to the emotional needy and greedy people in your life
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It's called setting boundaries, yo.

This type of detachment allows you to be aware of your of empathetic feelings without simply acting on them. Basically, the awareness gives you the time and space to rationally choose whether or not to be overwhelmed or manipulated by such feelings. So you can still feel empathy, but you no longer need to be the doormat.

And from one (hopefully) former enabler of sociopaths and narcissists, this is a good thing.

emotional detachment - part 1

emotional detachment (noun) : the ability to "check out" in the face of potential emotional connection, usually due to some psychological trauma
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Sometimes in order to survive some really bad shit, we learn to detach from the emotional reaction to it.

The skill (and for anyone who has ever daydreamed during a reprimand at school, this indeed is a skill) allows us to be physically present without being "entirely present". Think a couple of my favourite movies - 'Harvey' and 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,' and my favourite as yet unpublished screenplay, 'My Life With Derek Jeter' (which remains available for optioning!). Basically, these folks seem to be distracted or not paying full attention when faced with the possibility of an emotional response to an unpleasant situation.

Another version of this detachment manifests itself by the person appearing to be fully present, but operating only intellectually and rationally when an emotional connection would be most appropriate. This is where the person can't give you a hug when you're down, but instead tells you to "buck up." Or can't hold you when you're sobbing but simply pats you on the back. (I'm sure there are movie references for this too but they're not as fun!)

So what, you say?

Just an awareness check for those of you who are or know someone emotionally detached. (Mother's Day is coming up, you know.) And a little plug for a great screenplay.

more psychobabble

psychobabble (noun) : what you say about what your therapist says, as opposed to what he or she says
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A repeated definition for those readers who are paying attention, but one worth repeating.

Several people I know often come up with "great titles for books" but no idea for the book itself (nor the desire to actually write a book). One suggested a coffee table book of great book titles, which I think could be a best seller with the right visuals and synopses. Another idea - an autobiography that only lists chapter titles for each period of your life (provided you've led an interesting and long life).

The blog called, "Things White People Like" (which more accurately should be called, "Things White Men Like") is part of this "listing" genre of writing (and it seemed to get the writer money, a book, some press and a tour over a list of things that for any other group of people would have been deemed prejudicial, racist, sexist, or some other -ist and gotten the author sued or banned or fired from his job at Aflac). Apparently you can get away with anything as long as you target white males.

Anyway, since 'listing' things seems to be a popular form of writing, perhaps a list of psychobabble terms to throw around in your everyday conversations would be of use? Here are a few of my favourites (that may or may not be topics for future posts):

disregard for boundaries
secondary compensation
passive aggressive
nether reaches of pathology
psychic rubble of the past
disowned desire
comfortable silence
intervention
projection

Let me know if you care to share of few of your own!

welcome to my world

spiral down (verb) : to pursue a winding, downward course or a course that displays a twisting form or shape*
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Ah, the spiral down into depression. Not a lot of information on this as a technical term, but all the chirpy folks at Psychology Today indicate that the spiral could go up OR down. This is based on the theory of "social contagion", where one can change his or her mood by smiling or thinking happy thoughts and hanging out with those "turn that frown upside down" folks. (If you can find them.)

I'm not sure I buy the social contagion theory, since we're all responsible for our own feelings in the end: anything less and you're giving up power over your emotions, anything more and you're an Empath.**

But I guess it's better than the trip down the spiral.



*For the super observant, the 'my world' photo is looking up the staircase, isn't it?
** http://www.tv.com/star-trek/the-empath/episode/24950/summary.html

Dating Carl Jung

extrovert (noun) : the loud mouth next to you
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Well, Jung's theories officially have been highlighted by match.com in an article on "how to date an introvert," so perhaps he's not so very uninteresting.

See http://www.match.com/magazine/article.aspx?TrackingID=525061&BannerID=653997&ArticleID=12167

last words on regression

Just because Jung and the extrovert post that had been planned became boring.

my own private idaho

introvert (noun) : one who is focused on, and is often preoccupied with, one's private mental experiences, feelings and thoughts
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Carl Jung's theory of personality classified people into two groups - introverts and extroverts. Sort of like belly buttons, you're either an "innie" or an "outie". An introvert possesses a hesitant, reflective, or retiring nature that keeps to itself. Of course, an introvert also can shrink from external objects, may be slightly on the defensive and sometimes prefers to hide behind mistrustful scrutiny.

So what's an innie to do?

The thing about Jung is that while he did a lot of study on the theory of personality, he didn't seem to apply it in a productive way. That's where the folks like Myers and Briggs (if you work in a big corporation, you know who they are) come in, to classify and then give tips for communication.

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/

Jungian psychologists also make money on developing tools and tips on this. But do we really care? I mean, it's not like you can blame your parents. You just pay for the personality typing and tips or tools and move on.

At least if Freud had developed this theory, he would have worked in something about sex just to keep us interested.

where's my blankie?

regression (noun) : a defensive reaction that involves taking the position of a child in some problematic situation, rather than acting in a more adult way
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Since adulthood often isn't all that, regressing to some childhood state doesn't seem like such a bad idea when you're trying to handle a really stressful situation. You know, going back to a time when you felt safer and where you didn't know about paying bills or getting a job or trying to keep the red brick dust off of your furniture when your brickwork contractors open a window and the plastic that was to contain said dust blows down, releasing said dust all over your place. (You get the picture; hence, the reason the bluestraveler is now bluer, although with a slight dusting of red, and is curling up in a fetal position for the next week.)

You didn't know or care about any of that stuff as a kid. What's so wrong with regression if it can get you through the tough times of refinishing a brick wall in your home while actually living there?

Ask me that question after you wet the bed.

the end of resistance

gain from illness (noun) : the most convenient solution when one has a mental conflict
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For the neurotic (and hey, who among us has not been one at some point), getting or staying ill helps to avoid an unsatisfactory reality.

Translated, this means that you can't stay on a diet because being fat gives you reason for why you're not in a relationship. And if you lose the weight, you might discover another (far worse) reason for being unloved (like you're an asshole or something). (You can substitute "being fat" and "losing the weight" for a number of things, like "getting drunk" and "going on the wagon" or "taking drugs" and "getting clean". You get the idea.)

Freud would say that this type of resistance is a form of self-defense in the struggle to survive. Others call it a feeble excuse.

So put down the cookie and walk to your therapist's office for a session!

self sabotage + anger = [insert name here]

a picture speaks 1000 words for this form of resistance

self sabotage (verb) :

repetition compulsion

repetition compulsion (noun) : one's unconscious tendency to repeat traumatic events in order to deal with them; one's unconscious tendency to repeat traumatic events in order to deal with them; one's unconscious tendency to repeat traumatic events in order to deal with them; one's unconscious tenden
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This form of resistance apparently can take the form of dreams, storytelling, or hallucinations, and is closely tied up with the scarier concept of what's called, the "death drive" (which calls to mind that Long Island mother's drive going the wrong way on the New York Taconic Parkway in 2009). See http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,536742,00.html
and my earlier promise of a post on denial.

But I digress.

Simply put, this is a coping mechanism where one apparently repeats trauma in the unconscious, and allow the conscious mind to remain ignorant of it. Kind of neat, IMO, but unless you want to keep having those nightmares or keep dating those same losers, it gets in the way.

repression depression

repression (noun) : in psychology, where the unconscious kicks the shit out of the conscious mind to make it forget painful feelings, impulses, or desires
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Freud believed that repression is caused when an external force puts itself in contrast with an individual's desire or feeling or impulse, threatening to cause suffering if the desire or feeling or impulse is satisfied, thereby posing a conflict for the individual; the repressive response to the threat is to exclude the desire or feeling or impulse from one's consciousness and hold or subdue it in the unconscious.

Got that?

Basically, your unconscious uses repression as a defense mechanism and protects you from having that bad experience again, and you don't even know it. So you simply deny that you have that feeling (or desire or impulse) when you actually have (unknowingly) repressed it. And of course, in most cases it's going to be the parents who represent the threat of suffering thereby causing the conflict and the resulting repression.

But you knew I was going to say that.

transfer what?

transference (noun) : in psychoanalysis, the path of least resistance
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In delving into Freud’s five types of resistance, transference seems the most innocuous. It occurs when the analysand unconsciously shifts emotions associated with one person (yes, parents always are a good choice here) to another person, especially to the analyst.

The thing is, transference is a big part of therapy and gives your therapist tons of information about what you actually feel even if you're not aware of it. Nothing wrong with that!

But I’m thinking that Freud bucketed it with other forms of resistance because unless and until you recognize what you’re doing, you are resisting feeling the actual feeling (anger, for example) and you are resisting associating the feeling with the right person (who probably is your mother).

And of course, when done outside of therapy (or “off the couch” as I like to say), the result often is a misdirected, overly excessive expression of emotion that leads to dangerous consequences, especially in Las Vegas. (Think Brittany Spears and her quickie wedding or Mike Tyson’s bites of Evandor Holyfield’s ears.)

resistance

resistance (noun) : the phenomena that analysands will keep hidden aspects of themselves from the therapist in order to defend against worse feelings (aka the reason why therapy takes so long)
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We’ve all either been there or know someone there – holding onto something or someone that keeps us stuck in an unhealthy situation. And somehow the fear of NOT having that to hold onto, and the comfort of the known (albeit unhealthy), blocks movement from it. This “gain from illness” theory apparently is only one of five types of resistance, according to Freud.

BTW, did you know that our friend Dr Freud is all the rage in China? http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/10/AR2010101004051.html

The other forms may be less clear as “resistance” but make a bit of sense if you associate them with folks you know. Like the person who misdirects anger or responsibility onto someone or something else – their friends, their therapist, their boss. This is the “transference” type of resistance. Outside of the therapist office, this usually results in the eventual loss of friends and jobs. (Blaming your mother doesn’t count here, because that’s truth as opposed to transference.)

Or perhaps you’ve encountered someone who doesn’t get angry or upset (or feel much of anything). This is the “repression” type of resistance and is a particularly fun one because it results in passive aggressive behaviour, always is a treasured experience.

Another form is the “repetition compulsion” type of resistance. You know, that person who keeps doing the same thing hoping that the result will change and who appears surprised when it doesn’t? Again, outside the therapist’s office (and maybe inside it if you don’t face your therapist during the session), this usually results in the rolling of eyes and the thought of ‘duh!’

And Freud's last form of resistance (apparently stemming from guilt) - “self sabotage”, the form that makes us cringe whether inside or outside the therapist’s office. When conducted outside of it, there will be immediate bad consequences, like contracting a disease; when conducted inside of it, it's almost the same - there will be years of more therapy.

blah, blah, blah

psychobabble (noun) : what you say about what your therapist says, as opposed to what he or she says
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Yeah, but what would Freud say?

Super ego in the Superbowl?

superbowl psychology (noun) : psychobabble around the championship game of the National Football League, the premier association of professional American football
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Since Freud wasn't around when the superbowl started in 1967, there's no complex or condition with a cool name associated with the frenzy around this game. From superbowl parties to the ratings of the television commercials played during the game, the field is ripe for psychoanalysts.

And Psychology Today doesn't disappoint: 'superbowl commercials and the castrating woman.' While the author tries to make her point using the television commercials from 2010, it’s worth a read before Sunday’s game to see whether you can spot a similar theme!

And on behalf of my brothers (and because I would hope that if the Jets had to lose, then they lose to the Superbowl champs), go Steelers!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychoanalytic-excavation/201002/the-castrating-woman-rising-the-unconscious-the-superbowl

Envy gives a bad name to green

envy (verb) : wishing one had been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one
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I actually wasn't sure whether envy rated as a part of psychology. I mean, is it an actual disorder or merely a feeling?

No matter - psychiatrists and psychologists embrace it as one of their own! From penis envy to womb envy to ordinary, dyed-in-the-wool envy, it's there in books, magazine articles and, of course, Dr. Freud (for whom penis envy was the female counterpart to male castration anxiety).

There's tidbits on how to channel your envy into something healthy -

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/body_and_soul/article3128821.ece

- but in the end, maybe it's just healthy to feel envious and wish that you had whatever you envy that someone else has (their life, partner, money, brains, looks, home, job, book deal, movie deal, blog, children, etc.). What the hey - when you're down and feeling sorry for yourself, go for it full on.

Then get your head out of your ass and make some changes in your life. (Remember those new year's resolutions?)

Female empowerment or just another anxiety? A postscript on castration anxiety

castration anxiety (noun) : 1. a male’s conscious or subconscious fear of losing all or part of the sex organs, or the function of such; 2. one reason why females aren’t getting laid
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A little further research on this ailment brought out another Freudian term - vagina dentata, or teeth "down there". Apparently Freud used it only to depict his idea of castration anxiety (but it does raise the question of whether Freud hated all women or just his mother).

See: http://psychology.about.com/od/sigmundfreud/p/freud_women.htm

At least one filmmaker, saw vagina dentata as an expression of female empowerment, in probably one of the worst date movies ever, Teeth. The trailer alone had me cringing.

This means that if guys have castration anxiety, then women have (or should have) fear of being the castrators (either to our partners or - worse - to our sons).

Just when I thought I was clear on this one.

Finally, an anxiety that I don't have!

castration anxiety (noun) : 1. a male’s conscious or subconscious fear of losing all or part of the sex organs, or the function of such; 2. one reason why females aren’t getting laid
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According to Freud, when the infant male becomes aware of differences between male and female genitalia, he assumes that the female's penis has been removed and becomes anxious that his penis will be cut off by his rival, the father figure, as punishment for desiring the mother figure. (Remember that Freud also believed that the sexual development of a male child results in him wanting to have sex with with the mother and, as a result, kill the father - the Oedipus complex.)

Castration anxiety also can refer to being castrated symbolically - the fear of being degraded, dominated or made insignificant, fearing the loss of virility.

Jeez! Here I thought it was a male’s fear of teeth during a blow job.

More on New Year's Resolutions

New Year's resolution (noun) : 2. the subsistence of a pathological state (as inflammation)
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So how many have failed at their resolutions after a week? Uh huh. A writer at Psychology Today tells us that the reason people are unsuccessful at keeping resolutions is because we have an unconscious desire to keep things exactly as they are (and have the exact feelings that we do).

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-is-he-thinking/201101/why-new-years-resolutions-dont-work

Big pitch for psychoanalysis here, since the only solution presented is to examine the emotions we are avoiding by not changing.

But another solution is just to pick easier resolutions (ones that you already achieve or ones with words like, 'perhaps' and 'maybe'). This is the difference between a winner and a loser in this whole resolution thing-

Winner: I resolve to breathe regularly in the new year. Loser: I resolve to exercise regularly in the new year.
Winner: I resolve to perhaps help more people in the new year, maybe. Loser: I resolve to volunteer regularly in the new year.

Your choice.