if you can't lick 'em, join 'em (part 2)

joining technique (noun) : the idea that one "joins" the experience of another's misguided/misplaced emotions (ie, not an expression of their true feelings) rather than respond with a reaction to those misguided/misplaced emotions
___________________________________________

So what does the "joining" technique mean off the therapist's couch?

Apparently, in dealing with all those people who resist their true feelings (of shame, of inadequacy, of guilt, etc.) and instead express other feelings that are directed at you (at an unconscious attempt to make you feel ashamed, inadequate, guilty, etc.), the technique is supposed to help you deflect and NOT react to their misguided emotions. It's confusing, but if you think of your mother and the proverbial guilt trips she may provide for you, then the concept becomes clearer.

Say that your mother expresses her disappointment/frustration/anger (does it really matter?) with something you've done. Rather than say, "Get over yourself you narcissistic b*&%ch, this is about me not you" or "You're right, what was I thinking" (depending on how you currently handle her), you "join" her feelings (misguided as they may be) by simply saying, "I understand you would feel that way, and I'm sorry that happened for you." Supposedly the act of "joining" her misguided/misplaced feelings allows you not to take on the feelings that she creates by this misguidance (much in the way that the therapist does not take on the blame/guilt of the the patient).

Now I say "apparently" and "supposedly" because I actually haven't experienced this myself outside the therapist's office.

While I've moved away from self-loathing as the miserable daughter that my mother bore (and everything that feeling leads to, like bad relationships and depressions), I still react to the outrageous (misguided?) feelings that this woman expresses when we have those rarer and rarer conversations. Perhaps if I can get to a point where I don't react to her misguided/misplaced feelings and instead understand that the actual expression by the woman is one of her resistance to her own self-loathing, I may be able to have more than a quick conversation with her every few months. This idea of the "joining" technique might do the trick.

And if not, my technique of avoidance seems to be working fine for me!