Farewell Harry Potter

projection (noun) : a psychological defense mechanism where one subconsciously denies one's own unacceptable thoughts, desires, feelings or motivations, and instead ascribes them to other people
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Another theory developed by Sigmund Freud and it goes something like this: Suppose you don't like someone but (for whatever reason) you've repressed this or are in denial about this (meaning that your unconscious mind doesn't allow you to feel this dislike). Instead of admitting dislike, you project your dislike to the other person and end up with the feeling that the person doesn't like you.

Mumbo jumbo, right? I mean, who can't simply say "I don't like that person"? Some of us say it all the time. (Perhaps I'm speaking for myself here.)

I've discovered that, unfortunately, when the unconscious gets involved, you really don't know what you're repressing or denying. If the feeling or desire is too unacceptable or shameful or dangerous or obscene, then it's easier to attribute it to another person and save yourself the horror of finding out that you actually have that feeling or desire. The solution I've found is to at least ask the question about whether any denial or projection is going on and be open to the idea that it may be. It may not be, but why not be sure.

And where is Harry Potter in all this? Is the bluestraveler simply riding the wave of JK Rowling's success? (Would that I could, readers, would that I could.)

I believe that the fifth book (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) clearly shows Harry Potter's projection of feelings and desires that he doesn't want to have onto his friends, feelings that he's ashamed of having. JK Rowling brilliantly allows Harry Potter to discover that he is having those feelings, not his friends. That awareness makes all the difference.

And by the end of the story, JK Rowling tells us that all of us have those feelings and desires - the key is only whether and how we act on them.

cheers

denial (verb) : the state of being oblivious to all the crap in one's life
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When considering the reasons to begin therapy, it's easy to believe that everyone should do it. Why should anyone live an unexamined life? Wouldn't everyone be better off knowing more about their feelings, why they have those feelings, who triggers certain feelings, etc.? Isn't it better than drinking or doing drugs or whatever in order to avoid those feelings?

Maybe.

But not everyone is that strong or able to handle all that talk therapy and the subsequent examination brings. So maybe for those folks in our lives, we should simply buy them a drink and accept them for who they are and who they're not.

if you can't lick 'em, join 'em (part 2)

joining technique (noun) : the idea that one "joins" the experience of another's misguided/misplaced emotions (ie, not an expression of their true feelings) rather than respond with a reaction to those misguided/misplaced emotions
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So what does the "joining" technique mean off the therapist's couch?

Apparently, in dealing with all those people who resist their true feelings (of shame, of inadequacy, of guilt, etc.) and instead express other feelings that are directed at you (at an unconscious attempt to make you feel ashamed, inadequate, guilty, etc.), the technique is supposed to help you deflect and NOT react to their misguided emotions. It's confusing, but if you think of your mother and the proverbial guilt trips she may provide for you, then the concept becomes clearer.

Say that your mother expresses her disappointment/frustration/anger (does it really matter?) with something you've done. Rather than say, "Get over yourself you narcissistic b*&%ch, this is about me not you" or "You're right, what was I thinking" (depending on how you currently handle her), you "join" her feelings (misguided as they may be) by simply saying, "I understand you would feel that way, and I'm sorry that happened for you." Supposedly the act of "joining" her misguided/misplaced feelings allows you not to take on the feelings that she creates by this misguidance (much in the way that the therapist does not take on the blame/guilt of the the patient).

Now I say "apparently" and "supposedly" because I actually haven't experienced this myself outside the therapist's office.

While I've moved away from self-loathing as the miserable daughter that my mother bore (and everything that feeling leads to, like bad relationships and depressions), I still react to the outrageous (misguided?) feelings that this woman expresses when we have those rarer and rarer conversations. Perhaps if I can get to a point where I don't react to her misguided/misplaced feelings and instead understand that the actual expression by the woman is one of her resistance to her own self-loathing, I may be able to have more than a quick conversation with her every few months. This idea of the "joining" technique might do the trick.

And if not, my technique of avoidance seems to be working fine for me!

repression depression

repression (noun) : in psychology, where the unconscious kicks the shit out of the conscious mind to make it forget painful feelings, impulses, or desires
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Freud believed that repression is caused when an external force puts itself in contrast with an individual's desire or feeling or impulse, threatening to cause suffering if the desire or feeling or impulse is satisfied, thereby posing a conflict for the individual; the repressive response to the threat is to exclude the desire or feeling or impulse from one's consciousness and hold or subdue it in the unconscious.

Got that?

Basically, your unconscious uses repression as a defense mechanism and protects you from having that bad experience again, and you don't even know it. So you simply deny that you have that feeling (or desire or impulse) when you actually have (unknowingly) repressed it. And of course, in most cases it's going to be the parents who represent the threat of suffering thereby causing the conflict and the resulting repression.

But you knew I was going to say that.

resistance

resistance (noun) : the phenomena that analysands will keep hidden aspects of themselves from the therapist in order to defend against worse feelings (aka the reason why therapy takes so long)
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We’ve all either been there or know someone there – holding onto something or someone that keeps us stuck in an unhealthy situation. And somehow the fear of NOT having that to hold onto, and the comfort of the known (albeit unhealthy), blocks movement from it. This “gain from illness” theory apparently is only one of five types of resistance, according to Freud.

BTW, did you know that our friend Dr Freud is all the rage in China? http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/10/AR2010101004051.html

The other forms may be less clear as “resistance” but make a bit of sense if you associate them with folks you know. Like the person who misdirects anger or responsibility onto someone or something else – their friends, their therapist, their boss. This is the “transference” type of resistance. Outside of the therapist office, this usually results in the eventual loss of friends and jobs. (Blaming your mother doesn’t count here, because that’s truth as opposed to transference.)

Or perhaps you’ve encountered someone who doesn’t get angry or upset (or feel much of anything). This is the “repression” type of resistance and is a particularly fun one because it results in passive aggressive behaviour, always is a treasured experience.

Another form is the “repetition compulsion” type of resistance. You know, that person who keeps doing the same thing hoping that the result will change and who appears surprised when it doesn’t? Again, outside the therapist’s office (and maybe inside it if you don’t face your therapist during the session), this usually results in the rolling of eyes and the thought of ‘duh!’

And Freud's last form of resistance (apparently stemming from guilt) - “self sabotage”, the form that makes us cringe whether inside or outside the therapist’s office. When conducted outside of it, there will be immediate bad consequences, like contracting a disease; when conducted inside of it, it's almost the same - there will be years of more therapy.